Brokenness

Brokenness

Oh what hurt, has poisoned my soul

Happiness seems unreachable

These tears I’ve shed are uncontrollable

Unable to be emotionally stable

How could I be so delusional?

To think I had it all under control

Drenched am I in so much misery

There’s no escape, I’ll never be free

Kept telling myself, to think positive

Things should work out, shouldn’t it?

My biggest fear, is losing control

Unable to overcome, these obstacles

Yet I was once an independent person

Kept myself busy by over-workin’

I figured if I kept myself occupied

It might be possible for me to get by

Put on a smile, here and there

Socialize a bit, so they won’t be aware

Deeply saddened, but no need for attention

Must hide the pain, to avoid any questions

But when I’m alone, when no one’s around

That’s when the tears, starts falling down

I refused to be, anyone’s burden

Bottling up the hurt, I was so certain

That the pain will pass eventually

Being happy may still be a possibility

No more tears, I shall no longer cry

Then sadly I realized, I was living a lie

For my life is filled with so much sadness

Tortured am I, by such madness

Surrounded by so much emptiness

Trapped in this never ending mess

Feels as if my life’s been cursed

I’m meant to undergo the very worse

I’ve worked so hard to lose it all

I’ve fought so hard to only fall

There was a time when I was strong

Then lost the strength to carry on

Brushed off the pain for far too long

For the strength within was merely gone

I’m such a caring individual

Cared so much about other people

I’d put their needs before mine

Did all I could to make sure they’re fine

All my true friends and my family

Were given one hundred percent of me

But I was so crushed when I didn’t succeed

Unable to provide them with all they need

It kills me to know that the ones I love

By me were not well taken care of

I felt as if I was the one to be blamed

If I tried harder perhaps things could’ve changed

I took upon their problems and stress

Thought I could fix it being a perfectionist

They all came to me for help with their problems

They were so sure I’d be the one to solve them

Helping others made me happy

Making them smile, completed me

Keeping them happy was my determination

I’d do whatever it takes without hesitation

It took me a while before I realized

I was more focused on everyone else’s lives

I neglected myself and my own needs

My personal problems I kept within me

I’d feel foolish asking others for help

I’d rather try to solve them myself

Perhaps it was because of my pride

That caused me to keep everything inside

Perhaps I did set my standards too high

I just can’t seem to be satisfied

Wish I could do so much more

For all the ones that I so cared for

I had such a rough childhood

Can barely remember anything good

Grew up in such a broken home

Always felt I was alone

My parents never got along

The arguments went on and on

Was I the reason for their frustration?

Is there a way out of this situation?

I love my mother and father dearly

I wanted to always have them near me

It breaks my heart to see my mother cry

I can see the pain my father buried inside

Although they weren’t compatible

I loved them both as individuals

Their decision, I had to respect

Their divorce, I had to accept

I tried so hard to shelter my siblings

Told them not to worry about anything

It wasn’t their fault our parents didn’t get along

I assured them they did nothing wrong

Surrounded by so much negativity

Tried to turn it into positivity

My siblings were my inspiration

Their well being, my determination

So I worked two jobs at the age of sixteen

Tried my best to fit school in between

Surprisingly I graduated

With myself I was fascinated

Yet certain things had to be sacrificed

Must put me on hold, to focus on others’ lives

Dropped out of college to work full-time

Had to support this family of mine

They depended on me, my sisters and brothers

Played the role of a sister, friend, father and mother

I wanted to give them more than enough

Everything I didn’t have growing up

So we weren’t blessed, with such wealth

And I wasn’t blessed, with such good health

Didn’t quite take good care of myself

Was too occupied being everyone’s help

Then later that year, I met my boyfriend

Four years later, became my husband

We were so happy when I became pregnant

But the doctor’s news was a great disappointment

I was informed my baby couldn’t survive

There’s nothing they can do, but apologize

Three months later, I had a miscarriage

This later became the downfall of our marriage

He was hurt and I was crushed

We wanted that child ever so much

But I guess it wasn’t meant to be

Me being a mother and being happy

Our relationship then was not the same

My sanity I can barely maintain

A part of me died that day

I then viewed life in a different way

I was diagnosed with this chronic illness

My world crumbled as I lost the willingness

To even attempt to smile again

Accepted my fate, must suffer ‘til the end

First tendonitis, in my left knee

Then carpal tunnel took over me

The pain then traveled throughout my body

Rheumatoid arthritis had completely consumed me

At times it became rather difficult

Getting out of bed is a daily struggle

My swollen wrists, hands, knees and ankles

So sick and tired of this constant battle

Its hard waking up feeling paralyzed

Why should I even open my eyes?

I have lived in fear for many of my days

Not knowing each morning if I’ll wake up okay

Forced to live life feeling helpless

Forced to even accept such nonsense

Turning a door knob or even walking is a challenge

Desperately trying to maintain my balance

I became so bitter just wanted it to end

As depression became an unwanted friend

Into my life it settled into its place

Took hold of me and forced me to face

That I’ve lost control of my very conscience

What actions led to such consequence?

Have I not done enough good?

Did I not do all that I could?

Life just isn’t fair, why oh why me?

There is no cure for this merciless disease

Troubled by this ongoing frustration

Tortured by this endless suffocation

A victim of such an unwanted illness

I thought at my age was impossible to exist

But unfortunately I was so wrong

For my body grew weak and no longer strong

At times the pain was so unbearable

Just wanted to die, feeling so miserable

How could this be, why oh why me?

What have I done to deserve such cruelty?

But arthritis at the age of twenty one?

Too young of an age, this was uncommon

It came so sudden, some signs of warning

Followed by countless days of mourning

Oh such cruel fate rested in my path

Oh such sorrow many years did it last

Life took a turn not for better but worse

My brain feels like it just might burst

I was robbed of my youth, robbed of my freedom

What was my karma, what was the reason?

Had to live with so much limitation

Ending it all was a big temptation

Who is it that I’ve become?

A very disturbed, very troubled someone

Someone who has definitely lost her way

Why must this suffering be here to stay?

Is there a way out of this suffering?

Got my mind twisted, wondering

Must I undergo these episodes?

My mind feels as if it’s going to explode

Can’t handle the pressure, is there a solution?

I’m in desperate need of a resolution

I want to take back full control

No longer want to be miserable

This illness has sicken my very soul

This pain, this torture, this endless sorrow

All my smiles have turned into frowns

This heart of mine my tears have drowned

The mental and, the physical pain

Drove me mad, drove me insane

Didn’t want to live just wanted to die

Even considered, suicide…

But I must hold on to whatever’s left of me

Yet fate is against me, unfortunately

I’m beginning to lose my sanity

Drifting away from reality

Is there hope for someone like me?

Is it that hard for me to be happy?

Consumed am I with such sorrow

What will become of tomorrow?

Perhaps more pain as I watch myself bleed

As if the life force is being drained out of me

Hearing the cries of my very soul

Lay helplessly witnessing my blood flow

I resorted to self inflicted pain

Knowing life will never be the same

At least I’m able to tend to these wounds

With my help, it should heal soon

My desperate attempt to prove I’m in control

Didn’t think I would ever stoop this low

But with this blade, I cut myself deep

Repeatedly, as I continuously weep

My cuts became deeper than the first

This definitely is the very worse

I’ve gone too far quite possibly

Barely aware of what’s around me

In a pool of blood, dripping from my veins

Is it over for me? Have I gone insane?

Yet the sight of blood somewhat excites me

My mind’s become numb along with my body

Drifting away into another place

Eyes filled with tears as I now must face

That I’ve become weak, mind, body and soul

This is it for me… I have lost all control….